swallowed.
waking up, cold and alone on a strange floor. i was so tired, not from lack of sleep. by the time i realized where i was, there was nothing left but sad. i stumbled up the stairs, and made another bed on a floor just as unfamiliar. and my body ached for him to crawl down beside me, and just hold me, to let me know why i was there, in that place. i don’t know where i fit anymore. the only time there is genuine peace within me lately is when i’m wrapped up in him. everything melts away, and my body makes these sounds, inwardly, and outwardly, akin to an old house settling noisily, finally, in the silence of an overnight. “we fit,” he coos, and i believe him.
crawling up was not an option. and i know i could have shaken him, i could have pulled him down, but it just seemed easier to stay hurt, stay low.
i’m pretty sure the first words i spoke this morning, early, early, this morning, were “i want to go home,” and i forgot where that was for a moment, for longer than a moment, for maybe hours. i just sat there, confused, wondering to myself why i had said it out loud, probably to hurt him, but he was awake enough to don armor, and phrases like “then go, get out of here, why are you still here?” sarcastically enough that i knew i was being awful, but unsure as to whether i had actually made a mistake. so i sat there confused, but gone already. i couldn’t make it happen, i couldn’t just leave, and then i realized it was because i didn’t know where to fucking go.
and then i was naked, but it didn’t feel nice. it didn’t feel nice at all. it felt cheap, and forced, and i would have felt better if he had slipped me a $50 and pointed to the door when it was done, because it was the mandatory cuddling that made me feel empty.
i guess i just assumed we were both acting. i assumed we were both holding back, for fear of getting hurt. i said so, i even stated it as fact. “you hide just as much as i do,” but he said it wasn’t so.
lately, every time i fancy myself neglected, i just assume i’m being punished for something i did to upset him. but that’s stupid.
maybe he just doesn’t have any more to give, to me, but perhaps he could give more to someone else.
oh, but that’s an awful pill to swallow.
