did i just write my toast?
it sucks. there’s no better way to describe it. eloquence goes out the window in situations such as these. i was reading katie’s wedding blog, and i realized that they’re going to be okay - without a doubt. they are so deliciously right for each other. it wasn’t the story of their proposal, or their thoughtful stories of communication - it was her birthday post. throughout the years. she had so many great memories to share, replete with photos that oozed good times, but she skipped a year. the birthday year her ex boyfriend kicked her out of their apartment and broke up with her. katie makes mistakes?! what?! impossible! no, no. i remember now. i remember random discussions with carl about katie. about the awful choices she was making at the time. she deserved better, but she couldn’t see it, and no one else was going to be able to show her either. i remember him saying that it was a shame, but he wasn’t going to chase a mess, he wasn’t going to chase someone and invest part of himself in a situation like that. basically, he was saying that he couldn’t love katie until katie loved herself. there’s still hope for me, you say? these are the little speed bumps of my life? are you sure? okay, then. i’ll start making my lists.
i had a thought, and i said “hey, baby, i was just thi-” and then i realized that he wasn’t around. not even close. miles, and miles away. and this huge, huge ache engulfed me. is it just the being alone? i don’t think so. i don’t miss any old lips, i just miss his lips.
i’m glad this is almost over.
clean slate, clean soul.
