[video]
grrrrrrrahshshshdhdbsugh! fuck you!
waking up, cold and alone on a strange floor. i was so tired, not from lack of sleep. by the time i realized where i was, there was nothing left but sad. i stumbled up the stairs, and made another bed on a floor just as unfamiliar. and my body ached for him to crawl down beside me, and just hold me, to let me know why i was there, in that place. i don’t know where i fit anymore. the only time there is genuine peace within me lately is when i’m wrapped up in him. everything melts away, and my body makes these sounds, inwardly, and outwardly, akin to an old house settling noisily, finally, in the silence of an overnight. “we fit,” he coos, and i believe him.
crawling up was not an option. and i know i could have shaken him, i could have pulled him down, but it just seemed easier to stay hurt, stay low.
i’m pretty sure the first words i spoke this morning, early, early, this morning, were “i want to go home,” and i forgot where that was for a moment, for longer than a moment, for maybe hours. i just sat there, confused, wondering to myself why i had said it out loud, probably to hurt him, but he was awake enough to don armor, and phrases like “then go, get out of here, why are you still here?” sarcastically enough that i knew i was being awful, but unsure as to whether i had actually made a mistake. so i sat there confused, but gone already. i couldn’t make it happen, i couldn’t just leave, and then i realized it was because i didn’t know where to fucking go.
and then i was naked, but it didn’t feel nice. it didn’t feel nice at all. it felt cheap, and forced, and i would have felt better if he had slipped me a $50 and pointed to the door when it was done, because it was the mandatory cuddling that made me feel empty.
i guess i just assumed we were both acting. i assumed we were both holding back, for fear of getting hurt. i said so, i even stated it as fact. “you hide just as much as i do,” but he said it wasn’t so.
lately, every time i fancy myself neglected, i just assume i’m being punished for something i did to upset him. but that’s stupid.
maybe he just doesn’t have any more to give, to me, but perhaps he could give more to someone else.
oh, but that’s an awful pill to swallow.
even if i slowed down, you’d still accuse me of going too fast. unless i stopped altogether. it’s what you think you know of me. frankly, sometimes i think i could argue that you don’t really know me at all. don’t constantly compare me to someone, then yell at me for pointing out our differences. is it so terrible that i would like to be an individual? that i would like to make my own mistakes, instead of being just like “so-and-so?” and don’t you dare ask me where my money goes ever again, like i’ve just spent some of your paycheck. it’s mine. i work damn hard for it, and i’ll either spend it or not spend it however i like.
counter acts of kindness:
josh brushing my hair until it was shining. there is nothing beautiful that could contend to a thoughtful hair brushing. the kind where someone keeps your hair close to your head with one hand, while they delicately brush through the after shower snarls. it becomes something personal.
my step-father helped me move for the 10th time this year. perhaps not 10 time; perhaps only four times. he’s moved me enough times to only beg me not to move into another two story building. i think he’s resigned to the point of complacency now. irregardless, when loading and unloading, he definitely handed me a whole bunch of the lightest boxes imaginable, while sticking my not-so-parent-popular ex with all the heavy lifting. it warmed my heart.
plus i really miss cleo & augie.
it sucks. there’s no better way to describe it. eloquence goes out the window in situations such as these. i was reading katie’s wedding blog, and i realized that they’re going to be okay - without a doubt. they are so deliciously right for each other. it wasn’t the story of their proposal, or their thoughtful stories of communication - it was her birthday post. throughout the years. she had so many great memories to share, replete with photos that oozed good times, but she skipped a year. the birthday year her ex boyfriend kicked her out of their apartment and broke up with her. katie makes mistakes?! what?! impossible! no, no. i remember now. i remember random discussions with carl about katie. about the awful choices she was making at the time. she deserved better, but she couldn’t see it, and no one else was going to be able to show her either. i remember him saying that it was a shame, but he wasn’t going to chase a mess, he wasn’t going to chase someone and invest part of himself in a situation like that. basically, he was saying that he couldn’t love katie until katie loved herself. there’s still hope for me, you say? these are the little speed bumps of my life? are you sure? okay, then. i’ll start making my lists.
i had a thought, and i said “hey, baby, i was just thi-” and then i realized that he wasn’t around. not even close. miles, and miles away. and this huge, huge ache engulfed me. is it just the being alone? i don’t think so. i don’t miss any old lips, i just miss his lips.
i’m glad this is almost over.
clean slate, clean soul.
uh
omg love the shirt! but the clock has to go.
totally thought you wrote “but the cock has to go”…
yeah. it didn’t make sense to me, either.
(via jaymuse)
dandelion in the sky (Taken with instagram)
i like you. you. whoever you are. whoever this fire dandelion belongs to. it’s you i like.
[video]
“So come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember.”—
Modnote: This is from Listener’s “Wooden Heart”, which you can listen to by clicking that link.
right on.
Them’s some kind looking eyes.
i’d totally give this guy a break.
(via fuckyeahtattoos)